The Butterfly Effect

Yes, that was the title of an Ashton Kutcher movie, and no this is not about that or anything to do with time travel.

I recently finished The Element: How finding your passion changes everything by Ken Robinson, Ph.D. (and I highly recommend it to anyone seeking their passion in life). Toward the end of the book he talks about conditions for growth.  When the conditions are right we flourish, and when they are not we protect ourselves.  We can move between the two states like a flower that blooms every spring and returns to the ground during the winter. (Hopefully we don't move between them that often though.)

This started me thinking about what happens in that protection mode. 

There are times when it feels like protecting ourselves is what we need to do in order to grow, and that is OK.  Pulling inward to contemplate your passion and doing some soul searching is sometimes exactly what is needed. However . . .

If we remain in protection mode for too long, eventually our growth dies and we cease to flourish.

I know it's a trite analogy, to compare this to a butterfly emerging from a cocoon, but it doesn't make it any less true.  The caterpillar needs the protection of the cocoon to grow into the butterfly.  That protection is part of the right conditions for growth.  However, if it stays in that cocoon for too long it will no longer be able to grow, constrained by the silky threads.  In fact, if it fails to break free from that protection that allowed it to grow, it will not just stop growing . . . it will die. 

This is also true for us.  OK, maybe not literally, but we can kill our passions by protecting ourselves for too long.

Unlike the dead butterfly in the cocoon, we have the ability to reignite our passions simply by moving into the right conditions for growth.  Even if that passion "died" in our childhood, as an adult we can find it again and allow it to flourish.

Your passion may not be the same as your career, so don't try to limit yourself to thinking of it in those terms.  For many people who have found their passion, moving it into a realm that comes with externally imposed deadlines and obligations lessens the enjoyment.  Sometimes your passion is something that cannot sustain an acceptable level of income, and sometimes it can.  It's different for everyone. 

The one thing that is the same is that finding the "thing" that you are passionate about and allowing it to occupy space in your life, giving part of yourself over to it, can make every aspect of your life better. 

My passion is writing.  

I don't yet know where it will take me, but I do know that by embracing writing as a part of my life I can create a passionate life.

How about you?  Do you want a passionate life or a protected one?

Getting Past the No to Reach the Know

I've been reading Brian Greene's book The Elegant Universe in which he discusses superstrings, hidden dimensions and the quest for the ultimate theory.  He provides a very good explanation of some very heady theories and hard science in a manner that is easily digestible by the layman.  If you are interested in this type of information, I highly recommend the book.  However, that is not the point of this post.

What struck me early on in my reading was how scientists do not let the seemingly impossible stop them from moving forward.  In fact, finding something in the universe that doesn't appear possible actually increases their desire to move forward.

When Einstein realized that Newton's laws were incompatible with his new theory, he didn't give up and say, "Well, Newton was really smart and figured this out long ago, he must be right I must be wrong." He pushed past the "no" that came from Newton until he knew what was really going on in the universe (then he continued to push past his own theories as well). Furthermore, as modern scientists run up against theories that are seemingly incompatible with Einstein's, they do the same thing.

How many of us can say in our lives that when we encounter a "no" we push past it and keep moving forward?

Many times we hold on to old theories of the way things are just because it's what someone "older and wiser" told us. We have to understand that what they are telling us is what was true for them, but not necessarily what has to be true for us.  For each of us, reality is shaped by what we believe, and holding on to someone else's theory is holding on to their reality. 

I'm not suggesting that you ignore the "no" but instead look at it as a sign to reconsider what you are thinking and not let the "no" stop you in your tracks. Take a deeper look at it to find the truth for yourself.  Break apart the argument for "no", look at its components and study what would happen if you rearranged them.

Yes, sometimes reaching the "know" takes work, but it's worth it.

Paying Yourself First

You hear financial planners tell you this all the time, "When saving for retirement you need to remember to pay yourself first."  This isn't always easy.  But when they show you the charts and graphs about what that money will do over time, it makes a lot of sense.

Financial planning is not the only area of your life where this motto makes sense.

Think about how you spend your day.  How much time to do spend for yourself?  Do you even make time just for yourself everyday?   Is that time you're spending on yourself really for you? Are you doing something because it makes you feel good or rejuvenated in some way? (And no, I don't really think that sleeping in some mornings counts as spending time on yourself and neither does reading a book on the sidelines of your child's sports practice.)

If you are already making time for yourself, then smile, be proud and go on to read something else, the rest of this post is for the those of us that think we can't find time for ourselves.

As a society we are told to be selfless and put others first.  That idea can fill us with guilt over doing something others might consider self indulgent.  "Oh, I can't get a massage/buy that book/take a long bubble bath, I should spend that money/time on ______."

Does that sound familiar?

I know it does to me.  But thinking in these terms devalues us; it says that everyone else is more important and we don't deserve to treat ourselves as good as we treat others.  However, I am sure you have also heard the idea that you can't take care of others unless you take care of yourself . . .and I'd like to add first to the end of that statement.  Now, I don't mean that you should always think of yourself first, but instead that you should plan out your time in a manner that pays yourself first.

Look at your week, pencil in the things that you have to get done on a set schedule (such as the kids soccer practice, work, school, etc.).  Find time in each day's schedule and set it aside for yourself.  You can simply mark it "Me Time" and decide what you want to do with it later.  Now, when the hustle and bustle of life happens and invitations and new obligations come up, you will not find that you suddenly ran out of time for yourself.  You will need to make a conscious decision to reschedule your Me Time, which is completely OK.

Notice I didn't say give up the time, I said reschedule.

There will be times when life happens and that time slot must go to something else.  I just ask that at you take a moment to identify another bit of time for you. Maybe it will have to be less than what you originally had on the schedule, and again I say that is OK.  The idea is to build the habit of creating Me Time and finding a way to keep yourself important in your life.

I haven't always been the best at making time for myself.  It takes practice.  But when I slip into bad habits and give up my time, it is noticeable, and I make an effort to get back in the habit.

Here's to Me Time!  Something we all deserve.

The Difference

Do you ever have those moments when you are so frustrated you just want to walk away and never look back? 

Most people experience this at some point, some experience it often.  It can be the boss that just doesn't get reality, the kids that just won't listen, the family member that always picks a fight, or any number of things that we allow to get under our skin.

I had one of those moments recently and I did walk away. . . sort of.  I took a long walk.  I needed to remove myself from the situation and just be outside.  While I was walking I was thinking about ways to fix the situation.  As I watched the leaves blowing around on the trees, The Serenity Prayer popped into my head.  There are many versions of this prayer floating around, but my version of it went like this:

Help me find the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.  

I realized that knowing the difference was the key.

The moment that I realized the situation was not something I could control, I was able to move into acceptance and the frustration vanished (well, maybe vanished is a strong word, but it was close to that).

There is always something you can change, but many times the only thing you control is your reaction to the situation.  Taking a few seconds to allow yourself to recognize that fact and actively change your reaction is what makes the difference.  Accepting a situation does not mean that you agree with it or think it is OK, but it allows you to let go of trying to change it when you can't, which is where my frustration was coming from.

I also realized that the prayer was too passive.  I needed to affirm that this state of being was always there and not look to some external force to deliver it to me.  So, I rewrote the prayer as an affirmation:

I have the wisdom to know the difference between the things I can and cannot change.  I have the courage to change the things I can and the serenity to accept the things I cannot.

 I know that I will still have times of frustration, but my hope is by reciting the affirmation I will accept the reality of a situation faster and have more serenity in my life. 

I think the world would be a much better place if all of us found a little more serenity in our lives.

Choose Your Own Adventure

I remember as a child (and maybe once or twice as an adult) reading the Choose Your Own Adventure books.  The ones I liked best always started with the protagonist in an ordinary type of situation, such as playing hide and seek in a field filled with tall grass and large boulders.  Inevitably, a few short pages into the story, he would round a corner and come across the opening to a long forgotten cave, and the bottom of the page would say:

If you choose to enter the cave, turn to page 23.

If you choose to go back to your friends, turn to page 98.

As a kid, I always chose the adventure (of course, I also peeked at the other choice).  The same was true in life.  When faced with a choice of direction I always took the one that was fun, new and usually had the highest chance of getting me in some sort of trouble.  I just didn't worry about that, it was all about the possibilities ahead of me.

Some where along the my life's path I stopped choosing the adventure.  I know some of that just comes with age and the need to have a paycheck.  The rest of it . . .is fear.  Fear of the looking silly, fear of getting hurt (physically and emotionally), fear of failure and many others.  Getting past that fear has taken time, and is still work in progress.  Every now and then it creeps back in and I let go of the adventure (look how any times I have started and stopped this blog).

Eighteen months ago I chose adventure, I went back to school. This week I completed my MBA.  It took a lot of courage and dedication to pursue this goal.  I did it with the hope of furthering my business ambitions, but the unexpected outcome, the one that means more to me, is rediscovering how much I love to write. . . about anything.

I didn't mind writing ten page papers about analyzing corporate financial statements.  In fact, I found it fun.  It wasn't the subject matter that was fun, it was crafting the paper, wordsmithing it into its best possible form and presenting the final product.  I never worried about the part of the grade based on mechanics and flow, I knew I had it right.  Even in the ridged rules of APA formatting, I found a way to play with structure.  I found my passion again.

There will always be critics (some of them may even be right once and a while).  I am not writing for them, I am writing for me and the adventure it brings.

I am now ready to turn to page 23 . . . what page will you turn to?

Reframing a Picture

Have you ever been at an antique store or a thrift shop and noticed an old picture leaning against a collection of long forgotten objects?  You look at it and think, "Hmmm, it's interesting, but wow is that an ugly frame." You contemplate it for a few more moments and walk on, shaking your head thinking about that horrible frame.

What if instead of walking way you picked it up and took it out of the frame.  Would this change your feelings about picture?

It's amazing how the framing of a picture can change your perception of it.

Like the picture, the same is true for how we frame our thoughts and experiences in life.  Our initial reaction does not have to become the permanent frame for our reality.  We have the ability to re-frame the experience by changing how we think about it.  Some people call it looking for the silver lining, and others may call people who are adept at the process a Pollyanna. I like to think of it as saving myself a lot of undesired stress.

I'm not saying this is always an easy thing or that you should ignore the reality of the situation. However, re-framing your thoughts, even for a little while, gives you a better emotional place to start dealing with some of life's bigger issues. If it's not a big issue, then re-framing can move you past the situation a little faster. It is especially helpful in those times when you have little or no control over the outcomes.

So the next time you find yourself stressed, upset or unhinged about a situation, take a step back, look at the frame you've put around it and instead of walking away, ditch the frame to change the picture.